alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo πππ
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
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The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duckβ
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
Iβve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: Thatβs not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? Iβm right here
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Him: βYouβre not like other girlsβ
My anxiety and insecurity: βTold yaβ
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! ππ₯³π₯³π₯³ they left a first-floor window unlocked and iβm just walking around in here!
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
If youβre not happy single you wonβt be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion