For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
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A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Hamburger Hinderer.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
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Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude