Hotels are back
You Might Also Like
Left at a local drug store…
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes