all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
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When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.