“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
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her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
That took me a moment.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
me doing my best