Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
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If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.