me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
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Pigeon open mic night.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
this will hang in the louvre one day
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Oh. My. God.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!