I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
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PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche