The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
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Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
The glory of fall.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.