If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
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still the best tweet of the year by far
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life