When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
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Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
This is my bus stop.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this