i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
You Might Also Like
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?