What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
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Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Venn
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
The photographer’s assistant
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.