*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
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*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
can’t catch a break
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.