[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
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Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford