*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
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[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.