Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
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INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
i wish we could shoplift online
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”