ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
You Might Also Like
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”