Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
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Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
❤️❤️❤️
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
j o i m p
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.