WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
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Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
this is the news I live for
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.