Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
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Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
me irl
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
yeet
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group