Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
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[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.