[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
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I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Wedding planning is organized crime.