Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
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I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
watergate? u mean a dam??
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?