I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
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They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.