I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
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Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Cat is stressing him out.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.