Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
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Do you want to taunt a snowman?
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
それは草
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking