My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
You Might Also Like
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Wise advice
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?