Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
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Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store