[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
You Might Also Like
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
People buying plungers never look happy.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Seems kinda suspicious