Things will get butter, keep churning
You Might Also Like
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Just a reminder, folks:
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??