I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
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Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…