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Unionize your workplace
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Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.