How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
You Might Also Like
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run