ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
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History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I cannot call her anything else now
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
kevin is now a local weatherman
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?