kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
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That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Thoughts