What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
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why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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.
.
.
.
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Squash
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.