Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
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Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Jurassic park gets weird
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on