Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
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It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?