I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
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We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.