If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
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Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Yup.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*