Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
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[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
This is a sub tweet
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did