At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
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[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.