To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
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Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.