A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
You Might Also Like
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.