And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
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satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
This is enough internet for the day.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?