My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
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Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
the three genders
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.