Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
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I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
a fate I wish upon no one
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.