Fat chances are my favorite chances
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you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
We’ve all been there…
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Finally!