My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
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“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
concern
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
a lot to unpack here
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.